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In the world of fiction, Donald Trump won the 2020 re-election with an unprecedented, thumping majority. Little did he know that it was just a semi-final victory.
In a parallel universe within the realms of fiction, was a fantastical world. Etched in there was the last-mile – still to go, to touch the finish-line and conquer the final frontier. A coveted win away from being crowned the next Almighty. Mind you, there could be only two outcomes; Win – you were the next God. Lose – you were the leader of the blue planet, Earth.
We will jump right into the proceedings of the Final Showdown – a never-seen-before debate, with our beloved Trevor Noah donning the moderator hat. It is showtime, a rumble in the clouds. Don v. Nitya…
Trevor:
Good evening. I’m Trevor Noah, of your favorite Daily Show and I welcome you to the first, and only debate between President-elect Donald “Don” Trump and inimitable Nityananda.
This debate is sponsored by the Inter-Planetary and Galactical Commission on Godly Debates. The Commission has designed the format, five free-form segments with individual answers from each candidate to the first question, then open discussion for the rest of each segment. Both parties have agreed to these rules. For the record, I decided the topics and the questions in each topic. I can assure you none of the questions has been shared with the Commission or the two candidates.
Trevor:
This debate is being conducted under Pandemic Safety protocols designed by the Commonsense Clinic, which is serving as the Health Security advisor to the Commission. As a precaution, both campaigns have agreed the candidates will not shake hands at the beginning of tonight’s debate. However, they may use their individual cosmic energies to greet each other. The audience here in the hall – hosts, Humans from Earth; and guest Aliens from other planets – has promised to remain silent. No cheers, no boos, or other interruptions so we, and more importantly you, can focus on what the candidates have to say. No noise except right now, as we welcome President-elect Donald “Don” Trump, and incumbent Almighty, Nityananda.
Nitya:
Good morning. How are you, Don?
Don:
Morning(!)…really? Sleepy Joe, who slept through 47 years of his political career without doing anything. Sleepy Joe..yes, I debated him. More successfully, than anyone did in the history of the world. Sleepy Joe was sloppy. He would not even know where he was at a given time. Now, I’m debating you! You don’t seem to know what time of day it is, do you?
Nitya:
I don’t know how many of you today observed. I got little late for the debate. I told the Moon, don’t come out till I finish the debate. And today 90 minutes moonrise late. Only after I come out finishing the debate, Moon will be even seen in the West. So, it is still technically day time..understand.
Don:
Nobody knows morning better than I do.
Trevor:
Wait a minute. I ought to say, that would put Kollywood punch dialogue to shame. Gentlemen, a lot of species been waiting this night..err morning, so let’s get going. Our first subject is the most basic and life-supporting paradigm – Science. Don, you have said, – “for many aspects I don’t’ think science knows”. Critics say, that is a blatant accusation at the intellectual and practical activity encompassing systematic studies. What do you believe about science? What is your fundamental position on science and its facts?
Don:
I want crystal clear turquoise blue water and air. I want beautiful colorless clear air. If you look at our numbers right now, we are doing phenomenally. But I haven’t destroyed our businesses and our planet yet, [unlike my personal businesses].
Trevor:
But sir…my question was – what is your fundamental belief and position on science?
Don:
Trevor, look… I believe that we must do everything we can to have immaculate air, immaculate water and do whatever else we can to have immaculate space and immaculate milky way. Speaking of milky way, I specifically signed an executive order to keep it 2% and not Whole. Also, we are planting a billion trees, and it’s very exciting for a lot of people and species alike. Jared [Kushner] has personally committed to planting a billion trees on planet earth. I’m sending Rudy [Giuliani] to Mars and Jupiter to execute billion trees project. Look..no other administration in the history of Nature, has had better tree planting capabilities than we do now.
Trevor:
Alright, Almighty Nitya, I’d like you to respond to Don’s position on science and also share your own belief(s) on the matter.
Nitya:
Trevor, fundamentally…science is physicality with dimensions. Length of Physics is a+b is c. Now this whole, observer changes the result is only a breadth of the physics. Still you don’t know the depth of the physics. Now I can move my hand and move the sun – it defines the depth of the physics. It is very difficult for the physics to grasp.
[CROSSTALK Don: DUMBEST. Ridiculous. Covfefe. VOTE.]
Nitya: Even breadth of physics we are catching only after so many 100s of years. Understand (!) Length of the physics is Newton. Breadth of the physics is observer influences the observed. Depth of the physics will be Quantum. Our will has a powerful role to play with the parallel universe. See…the moment you say there is certain will which plays then the independent intelligence operating the whole mechanism need to be accepted, which is Science.
Trevor:
Sir..but science, as we all have learnt and known, is much more than just physicality.
Nitya:
Chemistry and biology of the physics. Physics and chemistry of biology. Biological physicality of chemistry. Alchemy of biology and physics. They are all one and the same.
[CROSSTALK Don: I laugh when I see Nitya scientifically preach Science. MYTHICAL. FICTIONAL!!!]
Nitya: Let me finish, Don. See they are trying to keep – the depth of physics, chemistry or even biology..that is, depth of entire science – as agnostic as possible due to their unscientific stupidity. Trevor, understand?
Trevor:
Most certainly. I feel we have aged exponentially in contrast to the linear time that has passed since this debate segment opened.
On to the next question. This ask echoes the collective voices and sentiments of all of us. What is your strategy, policy, and plan to tackle current and future ENERGY needs? How do we gain perpetual energy independence? I request Mr. Nitya to go first, and then followed by Don. I hope either of you don’t interrupt the other during their speaking time. Thank you. Nitya, if you may…
Nitya:
Trevor, this is the pivotal principle we must heed to. Don, I want you to listen as well…
[CROSSTALK Don: HOAX. Rick [Perry] helped me craft the greatest Energy policy ever, in the history of mankind. You go right on, pour your mythical theory.]
Trevor:
Sir, could we please stick to the rules of debate. Thank you.
Nitya:
Self, is the highest form of energy, that never dies. It is IMMORTAL. Understand(!). Me is the capsule, or capacitor which houses that energy. Me is a façade. So, the Me resides in this [body] as Me, is residing in all of THAT [YOU] as Me. So that Me through this Me talking to Me. It’s a synergy of unparalleled proportions to form – ME (Measureless Energy). Understand(!)
Trevor:
Ah, interesting. We might understand the sourcing part. What about perpetual independence?
Nitya:
Soon I’ll do enough of casual scientific researches and establish. When I make few millions of “Me”s; we’ll seed, manifest and create abundance of energy that can be easily replicated. Me is the fulfillment of ambitions and desire for unlimited energy becoming a reality. Understand. It is not egoistic statement. It’s a simple fact.
See…there are millions of planets where life exists, and they will regularly visit planet earth for refueling their energy cells. Not Sun, not Moon…we’ll be the “energy bowl” of the universe. Most important fact, even if [and when] I’m removed from this planet, I know how to take on more bodies and do what I need to do. Yes, we will have perpetually renewable energy.
Don:
Perhaps the Me in me needs a mojo boost here. We’ll see…Rick did update me that all we heard until now from other side, is based on faulty science and manipulated data, of the likes typically made in China. His plan..hear me out…is as ugly as industrial wind turbines and as disgusting as wind farms. One is ruining the beauty of parts of the world, and other is an eyesore to look at but also cause tremendous damage to local ecosystems. I like means and mechanisms that don’t need to “rotate” to produce energy.
Look, my plan is simple and effective. It produces Dragon Energy, like Kanye said it. He is like my brother, I love him. He is very cool. We are blessed with extraordinary Dragon Energy abundance, including more than thousands of years’ worth of beautiful clean coal. We have ended the war on coal, and will continue to work promote Dragon Energy dominance.
Trevor:
Next question, is on a pressing subject and is in the context of our planet, Earth. Do you still believe in Third Worldism? Do you and your policy have the equanimity to bring parity in worldly matters on the global stage? Don, you’ll go first sir.
Don:
Thank you. Trevor, look… No one. Not a single entity – living, dead, or even an object – in the entire history of Math, has been more associated with number 3 than I do. Do you know why I chose to be born on planet Earth? This man I’m debating, for all the superhuman power he claims, might not know either. It’s a very fine simple fact. I chose to be born here, simply because it was a Math imperative. Earth is the 3rd planet in solar system!
Trevor:
Well, I’m going to have to pivot you to the original question. How is this relevant to eradicating Third World mindset at the highest executive branch level?
Don:
It is relevant! The crux of phrase and idea – Third World – is number three. You ought to know the number – up, close and personal – to deal with it…to eradicate the idea. I’d urge you to ask them all. It’s not easy to make me utter the words – “I do” – not once, but a whole three times. I have had flourishing businesses in at least two sets of three industries each – Airlines, Casinos, University, Vodka, Steaks, Hotels. More recently, more recently..I was nominated three times for Nobel Peace prize. Now, that’s an accolade on the global stage, right?
Trevor:
If you insist, sir. Now, let’s get Nitya’s take on the same question.
Nitya:
See…..first and foremost, I agree with Don. Number 3 is critical. If you look and perceive the world only with the mortal two eyes – you have limited vision and more importantly, you can and will see things distorted and diluted. Understand (!) Third Worldism is nothing but one such distortion and dilution. With the internal third eye, you have virtually unlimited power of vision and perception to see and experience things in purest form.
Don:
DeVos WAS RIGHT. Removing Third Eye Opening A Primer from school curriculum was too disruptive. DISASTER! Perhaps, everyone needs…should be entitled to it in K-12 education. Do you know why I hired DeVos in first place? She agreed with my vision on all three forms and facets of education – Formal, Informal and Non-formal.
Trevor:
Sir..sir, please let him finish his side of the argument.
[CROSS TALK Don: With EYES OPEN. VOTE!!!]
Nitya:
Yes, third eye can be opened. For the sake of Me, please open it. If each and everyone opens it, the world will be a better place. If you open it yourself, I don’t know how long it can take. But if I open it for you, it will take only the same time as it takes to open your other two. Understand.
Trevor:
Hmmm…Alright. Next question is sorta trivia coming from our inter-planetary friends. Don will go first and Nitya will follow suit next. What one quote, if any, resonates with you and speaks for you more than any?
Don:
It seems our alien friends lack the acumen to ask tough questions. Here you go – “Nobody..NOBODY has better respect for INTELIGENS than STABLE GENIUS Don.”
Trevor:
And, now you Mr. Nitya.
Nitya:
My experience speaks volumes, Trevor, so my all-time favorite is – “It’s easy to search omnipresent Gods, but difficult to search hidden Optics.”
Trevor:
Here we are…final question for both of you. What is one word or phrase that you’d like for the other candidate commit to say; say it often; and say it correctly. Nitya, you go first sir.
Nitya: “Yosemite”
Trevor:
Don, your turn now sir.
Don: “Oh God!”
Trevor:
Gentlemen, just say that’s the end of it. This is the end of…
[CROSSTALK Don: I WANT TO SEE AN HONEST BALLOT COUNT!]
Trevor:
We are going to leave it there.
[CROSSTALK Nitya: I’ll be a God for all – red, blue, colorless, humans and non-humans. And this guy, he has no idea what he is talking about. The fact is…]
Trevor:
Gentlemen, this is the end of this debate. President-elect Don and Almighty Nitya, it’s been an interesting hour and half and an honor to host both of you. I want to thank you both for participating in the first and only debate.
Folks…Are you intrigued? Are you enlightened? More importantly, are you decided?
Coming in, I thought I was the only stand-up comedian here, moderating the deliberations. Coming out of it, I realized we were a total of three – the other two seem to play it rather seriously.
So, prior Gods gave us earth, wind, fire, water, and even a bottle. If we thought those Gods must be crazy, then…well, folks…you’re now stuck with two choices: Don and Nitya…or to put that in fruit terms, Oranges and seedless Grapes.
So long…and Goodnight. Thank you.
Photo Source: Google Images